A new beginning

Writing has always been a solace.  A reflection. A grounding. A way for me to figure out what might be going on within.  When I step away from it for too long, I feel unsettled and out of sorts. The same is true with cooking. If I am not creating or baking something in the kitchen, I don't feel right.  

It may take a few days or even weeks of feeling uninspired to realize that I am feeling this way because I am not doing the very things that inspire and ground me. Which makes that shit tricky to get yourself up and out of. Cause in those times when you are not inspired, you are simply that - uninspired or motivated to do anything about it. And generally, you aren't even aware you are in a funk, so it could go on and on and morph into other unfavorable expressions. Until, well, one day, you have a moment of clarity, and you can finally see the pattern. And it is then, and only then, can you choose to change the repetitive rut you might have been drowning in. 

It's like my first marriage. We were together for five intense super dramatic co-dependent emotionally destructive years. Of course, while we were together, I didn't see any of this.  Even baring witness to his wildly manic drug-induced nervous breakdown - I still didn't see it. It wasn't until I had some distance (and therapy) that I could even fathom the dynamics of our relationship. And once I did, I was honestly shocked. I kept asking my therapist over and over, dumbfounded, "How did I not see this all these years?" She would always reply with the same mantra, "Darling, you don't see it until you see it. And then once you finally do, you can never not." 

Photo by Bryan Meltz.

I find myself in a similar situation these days. This time, though, from the zee pandemic. This new COVID reality has shaken daily life up as we all knew it. We are all trying to maneuver our way around the endless series of unsettling challenges, upheavals, whirlwinds, fears, frustrations, panic, disinfecting techniques, homeschooling, and endless mask fashion options. All with the overwhelming intent of making sure you and your family survive, stay healthy, and ultimately remain alive! 

In the middle of all this, my husband and I (after countless conversations for months before) suddenly realized that the property (and business) that we were fervently developing and deeply devoted to for the past six years, Noci Sonoma, was now not what we wanted to continue to do with our lives. For starters, we (finally) embraced the simple fact that we were not hospitality customer service people, so why were we (again suddenly realizing this) creating a hospitality business.

I mean, my attitude towards customer service should have been a screaming indication, but it took me some distance and sheltering in place to hit me with the truth. I’ll give you an example; let’s say one of those annoying, entitled women (you see, already judging) visited the wine country for her bestie's wedding and booked a tour with me to experience our 24-acre garden in the Dry Creek Valley. And she shows up in high heels and a mini, all drunk from her afternoon of wine tastings. Then, moments into our tour, she starts to complain about how hot she is, how hard it is to walk around (gurl, you wore those shoes!) and the bees buzzing, and the fact she had to carry a bucket and clippers with her newly manicured nails and had to harvest her seasonal garden goods herself (bitch, that’s what you signed up for). Let’s say, my first thought was never to be accommodating. You see, NOT my business.

Photo by Bryan Meltz

On the other hand, my husband is not nearly as judgmental as me (or can at least hide it better!). The truth is, he isn't a people person and would rather keep to himself.  But, with that all said, the core of what we were creating and offering was so inspiring to us - we somehow looked past all that. We were developing a gorgeous garden oasis in the middle of the wine country, 10 seasonal gardens, hundreds of fruit trees, summer berries, flowers, herbs, miles of grass pathways, 500ft natural pond, modern designed retail buildings and on. We named it "the edible garden adventure club" for a reason. 

When we bought the raw land, our initial intention was to build a house and a garden for our family. But, we saw a more significant opportunity to offer a new experience in the Dry Creek Valley of just vines. From the beginning of its inception, we received admiration and encouragement. From just a little farm stand, many people started to sign up to join our membership-based garden club when we only had one seasonal garden and a field of strawberries. Not to mention, we received a ton of press that we never sought. This past April edition of Food and Wine magazine was our most recent feature. But it came out a month after the world went upside down, so I am sure you missed it. 

Photo from our Food and Wine shoot by Eva Kolenko.

Our main hurdle though, was that the development of the 24-acre property we had been chipping away at for the past six years always had taken precedence, and we never built a house. Our family of four had been living in an Airstream on the property for the past year and a half with the initial intention to start building our home finally, but weeks turned into months and then a year with the reality of no house insight. We were on the hamster wheel to complete the endless task of the construction, employees, insurance, permits, violations, and all the drama struggles and costs that came with it. 

But the truth was, we discovered, underneath it all, we wanted to enjoy living this lifestyle we were creating with our kids, not live for making this business work in one of the most expensive parts of the country. The real clarity came when we imagined how many years we would be continuing to fight these battles to make ends meet and how our young children would become teenagers by the time we did. And that, as they say, was that. 

Now, I have never lived through a pandemic before (shocker), more to the point, any war-like situation.  At first, panic and fear overpowered everything. However, once that had passed, we became grateful for how it had kicked us in the ass to make sure we were honest with ourselves and living the life we wanted. Not just continuing blindly in the life we were living. Cause life is over in a blip, so you better check yourself time and time again to make sure you are living the fooooking life you want. And, most importantly, enjoying yourself in the process. 

So, off we go. Into the wild blue yonder. Where we will end up, we still don’t know. I’ll be sure to document my travels and the recipes that inspire here though. That is one thing I know for sure. And as many of you know, I wrote and self published my first cookbook, Pregnant Bitch. A cookbook. You can finally purchase your copy here.

Ciao for now.